Stressed, frazzled, sleepless and haggard…

Stressed, frazzled, sleepless and haggard…
July 13, 2009 Lainie Liberti

StressedStressed, frazzled, sleepless and haggard, we arrived to the airport, to board our flight for our “test trip”.

Test trip? Yes, test trip.
Test trip=6 weeks on the road with Miro, with our packs.
6 weeks, to test the waters.
6 weeks to get our nomading feet wet.
6 weeks to ease into life on the road.
6 weeks to find our groove.
6 weeks to close the doors of the past and learn to live in the “now’.
6 weeks to try on our new lives for size.

Miro and I were set to get our test trip started,  he couldn’t be happier,  and I was stressed, frazzled, sleepless and haggard and relieved it was finally about to begin. 7:00 am-ish we arrive at LAX for our early morning flight. The first leg, was LAX to Houston, then Houston to Cancun. Yes, the test trip was about to begin.

Stressed, frazzled, sleepless and haggard, I sit in the waiting room, watching the other passengers wondering if this was the first leg of their “test trip” too, or if they were heading to wedding or a business meeting, feeling the solidarity as we waited together to board our early morning flight.

Did someone mention “close all doors of the past”?

Stressed, frazzled, sleepless and haggard, I look up and see my “ex” walking towards me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? Wiping my eyes with disbelief, I wondered what the chances were that this was really happening? Hadn’t seen the guy in a couple years, had had minor communication over that period, but low and behold, he was  standing there, in front of me, in full spectrum techna- color.

So to use the term “ my ex” seems rather benign (and since I’m in my 40’s now, the term “boyfriend” seems rather juvenile). My “ex” was my former significant other, my “Mr. Big”, my “Adonis”. There’s that much charged emotion when I think of him 3ish years after we broke up.  Yes, we were amazing together…. when we were.

When we weren’t , we really weren’t.

The effect this relationship had on me was deep and wounding (not to mention emotionally crippling at times).  During our 4 year romance, I wasn’t equipped to handle those ups and downs, the challenges inherent in the dynamic combination of our very different ways of seeing the world. As a result, I internalized everything and felt I was loosing my identity. The mere fact of the matter was, I had not lost anything at all, simply old patterns of beliefs had their chance to rise up to the surface and play out their dramas. Ah, lovely dramas.

I have no anger for him, no anger for myself and I will always love this particular “ex”. I am very grateful to him for being who he is AND for us not to be able to work things out. I am grateful because as a result,  it propelled me into a deep healing and a spiritual journey that took place over the next 3-4 years (and still ongoing). Yes, close the doors of the past, and having him show up at the beginning of our test trip was a blessing.

So…..

….Stressed, frazzled, sleepless, haggard, we arrive at LAX  to board our flight. Waiting for our flight, there is my “ex”, prepared to board the same flight we were. There he stands, older and grayer, but still the same guy. Nevertheless, he is still the one who makes my heart skip a beat.

There he is.

There I am, funny, self-conscious, skin breaking out, stressed, frazzled, sleepless , haggard and feeling a few pounds overweight. I am feeling all of this at excruciating degrees of presence.

Yet, here we were.

Together.

And that was it.

And here was my opportunity to wipe away  my self-conscious, self-criticism voice of inadequacies and move through it. I HAD NO CHOICE.  No self-deprecating allowed on the plane.

Looked up to see the reassuring sign above the boarding gate entrance:  CHECK YOUR BAGGAGE AT THE GATE.

I did.

Thus, my son and I are off on our test trip and it was time to de-stress, rest, let go, enjoy and live!

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