The Long and Winding Road – The Conclusion
( Part one of this post called The Long and Winding Road – Loving Someone with Depression can be found here. If you haven’t read that post yet, please read it first, otherwise this post won’t make much sense)
“All outer conflict triggering us emotionally in an uncomfortable way reflects our states of unintegrated inner turmoil. Our only choice now is between engaging reactively in outer drama, or allowing the play of outer drama to facilitate us into a responsive and compassionate awakening to, and integration of, our inner turmoil.”
~Michael Brown (a different Michael)
Michael was depressed.
I know for sure because he told me so. Micheal thanked me for showing him something he refused to look at all of his life. He explained to me, that for the past 47 years of his life, he thought feeling that way just normal.
Micheal said that he was sorry he let his depression come between us. He said he had slipped into a dark hole and couldn’t find his way out. He told me how ashamed of his behavior and hoped I could forgive him.
“Of course,” I said. “I love you. I am here to support you through whatever you are going though,” I said with all an open heart.
Michael promised me he’d seek help for his depression.
And I believed him.
I was so grateful we were talking again, and even though there was a full two month lull in our communication, I felt confident we could move through this together.
Thankfully, it seemed Michael was back to his old self. He smiled and made a promise to me, “I’ll do everything within my power to not let it happen again. I don’t ever wanna hurt you again.”
With a controlled exhale, I realized I believed him.
The man who had let me spend most of the previous year loving him, seemed to be waking up. It was as if the cocoon he’d been sleeping in was finally starting to crack.
Gently, I asked “what you want in terms of your life, your future and me?”
His response was soft and assured, “to keep on loving you…”
My heart sung and once more I felt assured. Our silence was always comfortable and I didn’t feel need to break it in that moment.
After a long pause, he continued to speak. “….but there is not much I can do right now, I can’t leave my mom, I can’t take away my kids from their friends, all I can do is love you in silence….”
In that moment it didn’t quite register, but it almost sounded like I was being dumped. No, that’s not what was happening….
Michael was finally out of his depression and I was happy to have our lines of communication back open. English wasn’t his first language and I certainly didn’t think he was ending it. But I didn’t want to push anything, since we hadn’t spoken in six weeks and I feared he was still in a fragile state. But still, I couldn’t ignore the hot rush to my head like a warning beacon.
He continued, “I know we would have fun, sharing our lives together, yes sure I want that, but fact is, it is not possible…”
But somehow, this didn’t make sense to me. He just told me he loved me. He had just thanked me for helping him realize he was suffering from depression. HE JUST TOLD ME HE WANTED TO SPEND HIS LIFE WITH ME. Were his reasons for not wanting to continue because of his kids, and his mom?
I wasn’t sure how to proceed, so I pressed on. “Why is it not possible?” I asked. “But you say you can’t let go of me, you say you want to spend your life with me, then why can’t you Michael? Don’t you think your mom and children want you to be happy in your life?”
“Michael,” I said, “Don’t you deserve love?”
Silence. I waited….
Then it occurred to me ask this question:
“Michael, are you married?”
Finally, his reply:
Then, I shut the laptop, and walked out of my house into the cool Cusco air…
– – – – – – –
“Most people who want a relationship believe that a mediocre relationship is better than no relationship at all, but we do not aree with that. In other words, since the potential for a glorious relationship always exists — we never encourage settling for less.”
Ok, I’ve cried enough.
I processed as much as I could then I realized one very important thing. This relationship has played itself out. With Michael, I am so very sad this is the end of the road. I loved every moment of our connection, but I invite no more drama into my life.
That’s a concept I really have to think about. I’ve lied to immigration at a border crossing before, stating I only intended to stay in the country for 3 months, when I really didn’t know how long we intended to stay. I’ve lied dozens of times in my life, saying things that I felt served the situation better in order not to hurt people. But somehow I don’t think I’ve ever chosen to live a lie. Is there a difference though? Do my past actions make me a dishonest person?
I am human. So is Michael. I am not virtuous as an “identity”. I am honest, because I live quite transparently and I don’t conduct myself in any way that I’m ashamed of….
…yes, that’s it.
I choose to live authentically. I live with love and overall, that makes me pretty honest. Especially in interpersonal matters. Especially in matters of the heart.
Do I believe the story of “truth” is the most important thing? Actually, no, not always. I understand reasons people lie. I get it.
However, had I known Michael’s situation from the beginning, I honestly would have had to make the decision if it was something I wanted in my life. But I’m not conventional, and as long as he wasn’t deceiving anyone I likely would have accepted it. But now, knowing that Michael is habitually dishonest with the people in his life which damages his own psyche, not to mention his relationship with everyone around him I have a difficult time reconciling with that.
Ugh, I can’t even imagine what damage he’s done to his children as a result of not being authentic.
And the damage he’s done to himself is apparent. The depression, I suspect, is an internal result of not living authentically. Lies create incongruity in the way a person functions in the world. I can’t imagine how living a lie every day of a person’s life cannot effect them. And not living your personal truth to any degree eats away at your very soul, so I think…
But it isn’t so black and white.
If Michael was willing to make a change in his life, I didn’t see his current situation as a deal breaker. The way he explained it to me was his marriage had been over for many years but jointly he and his wife had decided to stay married for the children only, but live separated lives. (If that was the truth.) Still, that wouldn’t have been my choice on how to conduct my life. I wouldn’t have chosen to lie to my children, my family and everyone around me. Nor would I have made the choice to start a new relationship with another person without being honest.
So in one last attempt, I pressed to Michael, “Are you choosing to remain living in the web of lies you created or are you willing to start living your truth?”
He didn’t honor me with one.
But he did give me more silence.
And with that, I understood. He had no intention of changing his life, his lies were his world, his self created hell that drew him deeper.
“…his lies were his world now….”
And because he didn’t honor me with a response, I suspect Michael is too cowardice to face his own truth….
The lies…..I believe, part of the source of depression…
I know Michael has become a victim to his own unconsciousness and paying for it dearly through his depression. I don’t believe Michael ever intended to hurt me. I do believe he loved me dearly. But the lack of integrity of who he has become over the 47 years of his life is not a person I choose to be in my life at this point.
And so, I remain single.
This was just over month ago.
Today, I can finally smile once again. Life is really good. I know that.
LIFE IS GOOD.
And I’ve decided to create a space for an emotionally healthy, unmarried, authentic, gorgeous reflective soul of a man to come into my life……. who happens to adore our lifestyle and really adores me.
Do you happen to know him?